This is what I’m learning today: So often, the theme of my life is not Christ. So often I lack faith because I am not convinced and assured that Jesus is best and has promised a secure, rich, hope. The hidden idol of my heart is that of materialism and greed. I have a lust for status and it is coming out in such ugly ways in planning this wedding. I thought I could try hard to hide it or be “open-handed,” but when my parents urged me to choose the less-nice, non-country club-esque banquet hall for my wedding, I lost it. And over what? Dated wallpaper and a parking lot instead of a golf course? I was so embarrassed by my response, humbled by weakness, and realizing the battle between flesh and spirit.
I’m sure I’m not the only one in my community who struggles to live at or below my means. For some reason we just really really want to come off as having more wealth or status than we really do. We covet those who have a more luxurious lifestyle, but instead of turning to Jesus, we try to put off the same kind of image. Or at least, that’s what I do. And I am reminded of lyrics like, “We have sought security, not the cross that bears your name…Worshipped beauty, courted kings, and the things their gold affords…we’ve become a talent show” or “Mistaken souls that dream of Heaven, And make their empty boast- Of inwards joys and sins forgiven, While slaves to greed and lust.” Today I just had to step back and ask, “what am I trying to prove? where is my hope found?”
So this is me fighting and trying to battle for redeeming love to be my theme. For Christ to be the thing I identify myself with. I don’t want the first day of my marriage to Kevin to be this mirage of luxury or wealth, struggling to live above my means to prove to people something that I’m not. I want to live a life at or below my means, claiming Jesus alone. And I want that to start now. If I am fully convinced by Hebrews 11:1, and seek the presence of a faith that is unshakeable and sure of the hope found in Christ, I wouldn’t grapple to be a talent show for someone to covet! I want to point people to the unsearchable riches of Christ; to the worth and glory of Jesus our Lord. He is to be forever praised and he makes us so so rich.
Tonight I am overwhelmed and humbled. In 125 days I will enter into covenant with a man who I deeply love. I have a great community of friends who love me and are fighting for faith alongside me (not to mention, who will make this wedding so so fun regardless of what I spend on it). And I have great parents who love me and want to give all that they can to be generous towards me. And more than that, I am a child of God, redeemed by the blood of Christ, and glorying in Jesus. I don’t deserve anything. We are unworthy servants and God is an abundantly good and gracious creator and sustainer.
I am pleading for us all to know how rich we really are. May we pray for the living faith to transform our hearts and minds. The Lord is our shepherd, we have everything that we need. (psalm 23:1)