Sunday a sweet spiritual mother to me asked this very pointed question: “Do you feel in-sync with God’s plan for you?” This was a perfect question to still the chaos in my heart.
As Kevin and I continue down our path together, it’s easy to look around and feel like we’re doing it all backwards. Many of our friends are “Dinks” (duel income, no kids). They are paying off student debt. They are buying homes with 2-car garages, backyards, and rooms to fill with babies. Most of the people we know have taken this route before starting families. And when they finally do have children it seems so perfect. Most days I covet that. Most days I long for the 2-car garage with the Honda Pilot and the fenced in backyard and the 3.5 bedrooms. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to have by the time you have kids?
As a young mother, life is always changing. By God’s grace, kids keep coming and kids keep growing. For us, we LOVE our babies and want more kids! Soon! I assume a lot of people might think we’re wild and reckless. We live in a small apartment, drive small cars, have one, decent income, and a large student loan to pay. God has given us exactly what we need for this time. But what about, Lord willing, if the next baby comes? Or if someday we listen to the call to foster and adopt!?
My desire for stability and my entitlement stems from my upbringing and seeing the ways my parents “did things in the right order.” I always had a suburban yard to play in and a bedroom of my own, and so I expect that for my own children. This desire also comes from seeing how others around me are doing it. And what about the “American Dream” mentality that the pottery-barn-kids-culture throws at me everyday? These are loud voices! So loud that some days I freak out and go Zillow-crazy looking at houses we can’t afford and wearing Kevin down with the weight of providing for all my high expectations.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a few women in my life who I look at and they make me believe that…”Hey! I could fit 3 car-seats across the back of a Corolla!” Or…”Hey! I can totally triple-kid-room-share!” But those moments are far and few between.
I have a feeling I’m not alone. In fact, I have married friends who are doing things the “right way” and feel burdened under the pressure of not becoming an “old mom,” and friends who wonder if God’s plan for them is marriage at all. I have other friends who have been longing for years to be overseas and aren’t yet. We are all struggling against the out-of-sync tension!
But are we? And who’s plan are we out-of-sync with? God’s or the world’s? God’s or our peers on instagram? God’s or christian culture’s? There are so many voices telling us the godly path and the foolish path. These voices may be equally loud, but God’s voice is the only one that can lead us to true rest. For me, God is my true consistency and stability that I long for. Even when we, Lord willing, get a beautiful home someday, it is merely a tent; a shadow of the stability that is to come. I am not ahead of God’s plan for me and I am not behind of God’s plan for me. I am right where he wants me. He has provided for my young family thus far, and will continue to give us exactly what we need.
And when I forget this and freak out and go Zillow-crazy? It’s called NORMAL! Praise God he understands my normal, wandering soul, and calls me back to the rest and peace that only he can provide.