celebrating life because the child was born.

The day after Thanksgiving, Kevin and I found out we were expecting a child! oh what joy filled our hearts! We had talked about beginning our family early, prayerfully seeking the Lord’s will and seeking counsel from brothers and sisters wiser than us. When we didn’t feel a strong conviction to wait or try to have a child, we made a choice and walked in faith. Three months later, I took received a positive pregnancy test!

Of course, we began dreaming of August 2nd, thinking of baby names, and figuring out how to create a nursery in our small space here in Louisville. Having a lot of anxiety and fear, I meditated on Psalm 139:

13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

 

How wonderful that I was a witness to new life; yet another image bearer of God! I trusted that God was in control when I read that He knew my baby’s form and all of its days, even when it was the size of a sesame seed and without any recognizable structure! I had a lot of peace knowing that God gives, and also takes away, in His own time. His giving was not a result of Kevin and I’s planning or lack there of. His giving was also not because we earned it or deserved it. God was so good to me! Because of His good gift, I am forever a mother.

However I knew that His taking of this baby’s life was no more predictable than the length of my own. I knew how fleeting and fragile life is, especially since so many women in my life have lost babies or are struggling through infertility. This awareness was in the forefront of my mind while celebrating my pregnancy. It would have to be God’s sovereign grace that would carry this child.

Around 6 1/2 weeks in, I experienced a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking. I felt empty, like the home that I had become the past month and a half was now just an open space in my body. I felt joyless, knowing the thing that I had been so excited about was now not a reality. I felt guilt, passing the baby and not being able to protect him or her from death. But mostly, I felt bitterness toward the Lord, because I really thought He was going to prove my fears of miscarriage wrong and show me abundant mercy.

Now, a few weeks later, I am still trying to understand God’s character: how He can be sovereign over all things, and yet always doing good to me and for me. Satan has been twisting my theology and tempting me to despair, but the Lord is gracious, and is near to the broken-hearted. He is teaching me to rest in the unknown “whys” of life and hold fast to the truths in His word. He also has sent many Ohio friends to Louisville as a comfort, along with many of Kevin and my friends here to spend time with us, empathize with us, and love us. I am blown away by how cared for I feel.

 

Most of all, He has placed this joy of pregnancy and trial of miscarriage right in the middle of advent. While I mourn the loss of my own child, I am filled with joy and thankfulness that Mary’s child–the firstborn heir of God–Jesus was born! By the will of the Father, He was born healthy, and according to that same will, He was sent to die unjustly on the cross for our sins. The sovereign hand of God over Jesus’ life and death brought every child after Him the hope of eternal life.

And so on this Christmas, I can celebrate life! Life that comes through the child, Jesus being born. I am thankful that I have received this hope, and I have faith that my child has entered into this hope–being loved and held by God, untouched by this sinful world, and receiving a new body. Amen.

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