casting cares on the lord: psalm 55:22
After reading Steph’s post today, I wanted to share with her (and whoever else is out there) a verse I have been memorizing this week for Women’s School. And thanks to Seeds Family Worship, I have been singing these words of truth all over the place:
Psalm 55:22 “Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be moved.”
I have a lot of fears and worries right now, specifically revolving around my recent miscarriage and the hope having another child. Sometimes I don’t even know how to, or if I can, cast all of my fears on the Lord. It has been such a relief knowing that Jesus has sent me His Holy Spirit for help in that area! This verse reminds me that whatever happens to me or to my children, the Lord will sustain my faith in Him and care for us. While He may let trials come, He will never let anything move us from His presence and sovereign protection, in heaven or on Earth. Amen!
this video reminds me of louisville. hope you laugh…
Birthdays & Best Friends
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. I got to go home and spend sunday morning with my Oaks church family. That was the best birthday present ever. It’s amazing how I can walk in that sanctuary and immediately feel loved, cared for, and known (for better AND worse) by everyone. It’s like being welcomed into the kingdom of God every time I am with you all. You guys are truly blessed and I missed you.
And to top it all off, all of Kevin and my closest friends went to Chipotle after to celebrate with me! Many even came with cards and gifts! I can’t believe how blessed I feel to have women such as these in my life. They make me laugh, share life with me, and challenge me to keep following Jesus and growing in my knowledge and love for him…all the way from OHIO! It feels like every time I come home, they gather together to remind me how much they love me. You guys make it way too hard for someone to live in another state!!
So to everyone who I saw last week, this sunday, and will see me next weekend– You have blessed me more than you know on what could have been a particularly homesick birthday. I am thankful for every second I get with each of you.
house hunters?!
Our lease is up in 5 short months, so Kevin and I (mostly Kevin) have been researching what we should do next. Do we stay in the apartment we’re in (mind you, NO washer/dryer OR dishwasher!) ?? Do we move into a bigger apartment?? Do we buy a small house and fix it up?? What an exciting time!
Kevin told me to start looking on line for small houses under 50k that we can fix up and hopefully rent out after a few years! Look as this cute house (well, the outside anyway…) I found a few blocks over– close to Sojourn! I’m sure this is one of many we look at in the next few months.
And who knows, we may choose to stay right where we are!
Don’t worry Middletown, I’m still missin’ you.
baby bird.
When we had the miscarriage, Kevin asked me how I wanted to honor or remember our baby. Some parents name a future child after the lost one or the experience, while others have ceremonies or plant a special flower. Some don’t feel the need to “do” anything to have closure, but can simply work through their loss with the Lord. I wasn’t sure what would be meaningful or appropriate for me, but I did want to continue brainstorming because I knew that doing something to remember the baby would probably bring me some sweet closure.
Today Kevin bought me a tiny little baby bird necklace to remember our baby. I had always told him that I was expectantly looking forward to being a “Mama Bird” someday and having little baby birds to love and take care of. The Lord in His loving care has thought it best to have this little baby bird leave the nest and fly away for a time, but he or she will be reunited with Mama Bird again someday. This necklace is such a sweet reminder.
celebrating life because the child was born.
The day after Thanksgiving, Kevin and I found out we were expecting a child! oh what joy filled our hearts! We had talked about beginning our family early, prayerfully seeking the Lord’s will and seeking counsel from brothers and sisters wiser than us. When we didn’t feel a strong conviction to wait or try to have a child, we made a choice and walked in faith. Three months later, I took received a positive pregnancy test!
Of course, we began dreaming of August 2nd, thinking of baby names, and figuring out how to create a nursery in our small space here in Louisville. Having a lot of anxiety and fear, I meditated on Psalm 139:
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How wonderful that I was a witness to new life; yet another image bearer of God! I trusted that God was in control when I read that He knew my baby’s form and all of its days, even when it was the size of a sesame seed and without any recognizable structure! I had a lot of peace knowing that God gives, and also takes away, in His own time. His giving was not a result of Kevin and I’s planning or lack there of. His giving was also not because we earned it or deserved it. God was so good to me! Because of His good gift, I am forever a mother.
However I knew that His taking of this baby’s life was no more predictable than the length of my own. I knew how fleeting and fragile life is, especially since so many women in my life have lost babies or are struggling through infertility. This awareness was in the forefront of my mind while celebrating my pregnancy. It would have to be God’s sovereign grace that would carry this child.
Around 6 1/2 weeks in, I experienced a miscarriage. It was heartbreaking. I felt empty, like the home that I had become the past month and a half was now just an open space in my body. I felt joyless, knowing the thing that I had been so excited about was now not a reality. I felt guilt, passing the baby and not being able to protect him or her from death. But mostly, I felt bitterness toward the Lord, because I really thought He was going to prove my fears of miscarriage wrong and show me abundant mercy.
Now, a few weeks later, I am still trying to understand God’s character: how He can be sovereign over all things, and yet always doing good to me and for me. Satan has been twisting my theology and tempting me to despair, but the Lord is gracious, and is near to the broken-hearted. He is teaching me to rest in the unknown “whys” of life and hold fast to the truths in His word. He also has sent many Ohio friends to Louisville as a comfort, along with many of Kevin and my friends here to spend time with us, empathize with us, and love us. I am blown away by how cared for I feel.
Most of all, He has placed this joy of pregnancy and trial of miscarriage right in the middle of advent. While I mourn the loss of my own child, I am filled with joy and thankfulness that Mary’s child–the firstborn heir of God–Jesus was born! By the will of the Father, He was born healthy, and according to that same will, He was sent to die unjustly on the cross for our sins. The sovereign hand of God over Jesus’ life and death brought every child after Him the hope of eternal life.
And so on this Christmas, I can celebrate life! Life that comes through the child, Jesus being born. I am thankful that I have received this hope, and I have faith that my child has entered into this hope–being loved and held by God, untouched by this sinful world, and receiving a new body. Amen.
Shelter
About a year and a half ago, I found myself in a season where I fell asleep to this song on repeat every night. Recently, after my miscarriage, I have been going back to this song by Sandra McCracken and it’s beautiful lyrics as a source of comfort. In the midst of suffering and questions about God’s sovereign, loving care for me, I know that I can find shelter in Him.
In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here
So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here
When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I’ll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe…
There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here…
diy craft of the season: coasters!
I am busy making friends and family homemade coasters! Sounds lame, but they are actually so cute!
Here is a picture of my latest ones for a couple of close friends (who will remain nameless until I give them the gift!) These ones were made from the cover art of Sojourn programs. The ones I am making for grandparents are vintage winter/Christmas prints.
I’ll post the instructions on how to diy soon!
this sermon excerpt has been on my heart.
God takes small, imperfect things and builds them into a habitation for his glory. O, how we should take courage in our little spheres of influence! And is this not the message of Advent and Christmas? What more appropriate word could God have said to Mary as Jesus was growing up: Take courage, young mother, you build more than you see. And so it is with every one of us. Nothing you do is a trifle if you do it in the name of God. He will shake heaven and earth to fill your labor with splendor. Take courage, you build more than you see.
-John Piper
